This is the (long, drawn out and overdue) end, Larry...
Over the next couple of months, I heard from Larry more often than I had when were dating. He was sending me messages through email, text and on FB and commenting on my posts almost as quickly as I posted them. One friend asked if it annoyed me that he was so attentive now that we weren't dating when that had been one of the issues! Fast forward to February - and the wonderful holidays of Valentine's Day and my birthday...
I arrived home on Valentine's Day and there was a card at my door. It was a Valentine's Day card from Larry in which he wrote:
Thinking of you daily, hourly and sometimes by the minute...
Um, OK. So I sent him a text thanking him for the card, and he IMMEDIATELY texts me back to see if he can take me out to dinner for my birthday. We agree on Friday night. He arrives, on time, dressed nicely, and we go to Park Steakhouse, where he proceeds to order a cocktail while he reviews the wine list. Now...I am thinking, OK, maybe he has seen how silly his "no anything" rules were (sex, drinks, fun) and we can actually make some progress. As we are finishing dinner, he tells me that he has been thinking of me and he feels that he gave in too easily when I told him it wasn't going to work out. He tells me that I am so awesome and cool, but it's more than that and he would like us to give it another try.
Granted I have had a gin & tonic and most of a bottle of wine by this point, but I am touched by Larry's confession and request. I agree but state that things will be different this time around. I CLEARLY state that what I mean by this is that holding hands and kissing goodnight is no longer an acceptable level of intimacy. Also, I explain that I felt I hadn't had his full attention before. He says when he is with me, I have it - and I explain that is not enough. He agrees to the conditions and we end the night with what is a passionate goodbye kiss (at least by Larry's standards).
The next weekend (let's call it Weekend 3.1 <Friday I'm in Love, The Cure>), we go out for a drink and I notice that Jordan's picture is still on his phone (see Parting Ways for that explanation)..Remembering that he agreed to things being different in Part 3, I tell him he needs to change the picture on his phone. He visibly sighs and says nothing so I drop it.
Weekend 3.2 (Like a Virgin, Madonna): I get us tickets to the Jason Aldean concert at MSG on Saturday night. He starts talking about making dinner before we head in, which I immediately put an end to by telling him what the plan is going to be. I picked him up, we had Chick-fil-a for dinner and went into the city for beers before the show. To fully set the scene, we arrive at the bar outside MSG around 7:15pm. Jason Aldean doesn't go on stage until 9:00pm, and consequently, we won't be driving home (and by we, I mean me) until some time after 11:00pm. We have a beer. Then, as usually happens in bars, the bartender asks if we would like another - I say yes, he says no. When my beer arrives, I ask Larry if he ever has fun. He says he is having fun now...and he had fun at Talladega. I call bullshit on the Talladega fun, but ask how would I know if he is having fun? Here we are, at another country music concert, and he is going to have one beer? Conversation gets nowhere, and I drop it, thinking I don't want to ruin what might be my "lucky" night.
See, Evie was staying at Darrele's so I didn't have to be home by a particular time, or at for that matter. I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to test the new acceptance of my changes by maybe one of us spending the night over at the other's or (horrors!) actually see some skin! I don't have to tell the rest of this, right? I drive us back to his house, he kisses me goodnight, gets out of the car, and that's it. AGAIN. No invite to come upstairs for a while, let alone stay the night. I'm starting to feel at this point that my first idea that this wasn't going to work out was the right one. However, I don't give up hope completely (or maybe I am just a glutton for punishment), so when he is over on Tuesday night I tell him that I think he should stay over one night this upcoming weekend. He asks which night. DUDE - I don't give a crap what night! And so we wait for the weekend...
General note: At this point, Larry has been unemployed since the beginning of October with no plan to find gainful full time employment in the near future. This doesn't inherently bother me since I am not responsible for his bills, living arrangements, or anything else, really - just don't understand the mentality. But I don't really understand anything about Larry and his mentality so this should not be a surprise.
Weekend 3.3 (The End, The Doors): Thursday he texts me that he'd like to do dinner and the movies on Saturday night. Although I don't understand why people feel the need to do both things the same night, I agree. Saturday afternoon he texts me that he will pick me up at 5:00. I text back that this is too early as I will have to walk and feed Evie, and 4:00 is too early for that if I'm not going to be home until late. So he says he will come at 6:00. He's late, of course, but we begin our Saturday night adventure, on Route 17 South, and I know no one but him will be surprised that there is TRAFFIC on Route 17 on a SATURDAY. As though that isn't bad enough, he says to me:
I always forget about Evie.
Since he is driving, I cannot push him out of the car, and there is too much traffic for me to jump out and run. So I simply say, I will always remind you. We get to the restaurant and, another non-surprise, it is PACKED on a Saturday night. Who would have thought? And since he already bought the tickets to the movie, we won't have enough time to wait. At this point, I tell him I will just eat popcorn for dinner, and if he is hungry, maybe he can grab something at the food court. Wait - did I mention we going to the movies at Garden State Plaza - on a Saturday night!!!???! By the time he has something to eat, we make it through the movie, and are on our way out, I have a terrible headache and want to punch him in the face. Instead, I tell him I just need to be quiet and we drive back to my house in silence.
The last thing I want at this point is him staying over, so I tell him I don't think it's a good night for him to stay. Unsurprisingly, he agrees and so ends the night. But still - I don't give up! I have worked too fucking hard on this! Only Kurt is brave enough to tell me to kill it (the relationship., not Larry, I think?) and yet I keep on. When I finally get rid of my headache the next day, I text him: thanking him for letting me just be quiet last night and suggesting we go for beer and a burger Monday night. This is at approximately 2:00pm. AND HE DOESN'T RESPOND UNTIL MONDAY AFTERNOON. WHAT THE FUCK? You have no job, no pets, no family in the area - what the fuck are you doing that you don't respond???? What happened to thinking of me every minute????
After little debate and a therapy session, I decide that this is really the end of me and Larry. I can't even bring myself to meet him for dinner - I'm going to do it over the phone. I get to my car at about 6:30, and there is a message from him from 6:00 - there is an issue with his car, he is going to check into it and let me know within a half hour/45 minutes if it is serious or not. By 7:15, he still hasn't called me so I CALL him. He doesn't answer. I text him to call me before he comes over. At 7:40, he finally calls that he is on his way and I tell him to not come over since I am still not convinced that this is going to work. Since neither of us is keen on over the phone breakups, he says he'd still like to come by. OK...
When he finally arrives over an hour later (I thought you were on your way??), the conversation summary goes something like this:
Larry: I understand; I am definitely not putting in effort into this relationship
Me: OK, when you said your timeline for moving past hand holding was negotiable, I don't think you meant it
Larry: No, I didn't, there was no way we would have progressed any further until AT THE VERY LEAST there was a ring on your finger
Me: So you lied...my advice, for what it's worth? Don't misrepresent yourself and lie. And please, explain why this is the case. You've had sex with other people, right?
Larry: Well, other women, yes
Me: Right, whatever...the point is you've had sex before, so why the celibacy?
Larry: When my dad died a few years ago, I really wanted to start following the Ten Commandments and such
Me: Hmmm. It's been a while since I was in Catholic school, but from what I remember, they just say you can't fuck your neighbor's wife - not that you can't have sex at all
Larry: More just of that way of life - I even thought when you gave up ice cream for Lent that was an attempt on your part to become more pious, and more like how I would like
Oh Larry...how delusional you are. At that, we said goodbye, he left...he texted me once, and sent me a message on Linkedin. I didn't respond, and as per TK's guidance, I defriended him as did Darrele and Jim.
And there ends the saga of Larry. What's he doing now? My guess is absolutely nothing.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Parting Ways, Binaural, Pearl Jam (10)
Or, The Demise of Larry...
It began innocently enough. Girl walks dog - boy pets dog - girl leaves note on boy's car - boy calls - boy disappears for 7 months.
But let's not jump so far ahead. True, I did meet Chris (hereafter referred to as Larry, and yes there's a reason and no, I can't tell you) while walking Evie. And I may have slightly stalked him to get the chance to meet him and say hello and find out his name. But short of actually stalking him, by waiting outside his work for him to leave at night, I decided to pull a Marchese and leave him a note on his car with my phone number and an invite to call if he was interested in going out for a drink sometime. And he called, so we went on date #1.
It went really well. He picked me up; we had dinner; we drank beer; we had decent conversation. All in all good as far as any dates I had previously gone on with anyone. We began an odd schedule of going out once every six to eight weeks, which seemed a bit extreme, even in light of the fact that he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. Dinner, movies, hikes WITH MY DOG when he brought a bowl for her to have water - all seemed to be going OK other than the extended time between dates. We would still see each other occasionally in the neighborhood, and he always acted normal, as in that it wasn't odd that we hadn't gone out in a month.
November rolls around and we go to the movies and a late dinner on a Saturday night. He drops me off, and as is my nature, I ask if we will be going out any time soon, like before the end of the year. He laughs along and agrees that it won't be before Thanksgiving (that would be less than 2 weeks!), but that yes, before the end of the year.
And then I didn't hear from him again for 7 months. Oddly, as you will learn, one of the reasons that Darrele and I tossed around as a remote possibility for not hearing from him was that we hadn't hooked up at all. But since we had only seen each other 4 or 5 times within 6 months, we agreed that would be ridiculous. How right we were. And that ends Dating Larry - Phase 1.
So now it's May, almost one year after our first date. Larry posts on his FB that he has won tickets to the NASCAR race at Talladega and who wants to go. So of course I write me! At this time, I was in the first week of AICS hell in Orlando. After a few Bud Lights, it seemed like a good idea to text him that I wasn't kidding - I really wanted to go. He called me; we chatted; he said we should get together when I am back in town.
I return to NJ over Memorial Day weekend, and I text him that I am back and to let me know when he's available to do something. He calls me right away and invites me to his friend's party in Wyckoff; he even tells me I can BRING MY DOG if i want as the backyard is fenced in for the pool, etc. It's a billion degrees though so I leave Evie home and head off to the party with people I have never met and the guy I hadn't heard from in 7 months. That's normal, right?
This begins Dating Larry - Phase 2. We go out to dinner and movies, talk and text while I'm traveling, although it's not without some bumps. For example, I won't hear from him for days at a time. He doesn't always text or call me back for days. We are a few months into the relationship when he asks me, "How do you feel about premarital sex?" At this point, we have held hands and kissed. I had chalked this up to the fact that I was traveling a lot so even though it had been a few months, I had been gone for a good chunk of time. So when he asked me this, I had to think about what in the world was he really asking...because he didn't really think I had only had sex with my husband, right? My answer: Well, I guess since I have had it, I'd have to say I'm for it.
Turns out, Larry would like to get to know me more - what's in my heart and my head (with hand gestures, in case I was a visual learner, I suppose) - before we get too involved physically. He doesn't want to just jump into bed like people do. Um, OK. We continue dating, and I see the trip to Alabama looming in the future, but first we go to the Toby Keith concert. For non-country music fans, Toby Keith sings the song Red Solo Cup, which like most country songs, is about drinking, specifically from the red solo cups that are used at all parties. We're talking, waiting for the venue to open, and I mention something along the lines of looking forward to an ice cold beer. Larry informs me he will not be drinking...at a country concert...of the guy who sings red solo cup.
Now, up until this time, I have noticed that Larry doesn't drink a lot, and hey, that's OK (?), but he's never said he wasn't drinking at all. So this strikes me as odd. I ask why. And he says, "I do that." Meaning? "Well, that I'll not do things I like to do - I think it builds character." My response is somewhere along the lines of: why in the world would you not do something you want to do, assuming it's not dangerous to you or others around you? I don't do that. If I want to do something, I do it. He proceeds to not drink; I proceed to drink 2 Bud Lights in quick succession and then trip going UP stairs. Great - now he's going to think I'm drunk. If you know me, you know that this is laughable after 2 Bud Lights (especially during training season).
Two weeks later, we are on our way to Alabama, but not before he has quit his job without having another one lined up. This doesn't really concern me since I am not responsible for him in any way. If he can not work and stay in his moldy apartment that he has been in for over 20 years, suit yourself. We still have done nothing more than kiss, and I have not brought it up, thinking that we will be away on a trip together, in a hotel room, and that will be the time! Darr agrees - it would be weird now, so the change in venue will be the ticket! Alabama - who knew it was for lovers?
Apparently no one, since we slept in separate beds and didn't hook up...at all. Larry also decided that even though we were at Talladega, in Alabama, with free food and drinks, he was going to drink water and eat apples. I, on the other hand, did my best impression of a redneck from Bergen County and drank as much Bud Light as I could without falling, up or down stairs. At one point, I considered ditching Larry and hanging out with this bunch of four guys because they were clearly having fun. Alas, I did not - not even when, after I grabbed an extra Bud Light for the bus ride back to the hotel, Larry asked me, "Are you sure you want that?" Or when we woke up on Monday and Larry was convinced that he was sick from the peanut M&Ms and proceeded to throw out the whole bag. Odd, Larry - I'm the one who was drinking and feel fine!!
When we got back to NJ, I decided it was time to have a talk with Larry and ask him WTF was the deal. We had been dating for about four months and there was still no sign of moving past holding hands. I also didn't want to go out with someone who was going to monitor my beer intake at a NASCAR race - if you can't drink there, where can you? It was then that I learned that Larry had no intention of having an intimate relationship with me, which included spending the night at my place or me at his, until we were married. I'll give you a moment to re-read that last sentence...............OK, and we're back.
I tell Larry I respect his position (in my mind, I was screaming - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DUDE?), but that this is not how adult relationships progress and maybe I am not the right person for him. But, I do agree to consider what he has said and will let him know when we need to talk again. We continue on as we were, and I poll everyone and their sister about what to do about this, this being the most chaste relationship I have had since 6th grade (Note: my mom says it was probably earlier than that, but I'm sticking with the 6th grade story). Oddly enough, one of my friends had a similar issue with the guy who is now her husband, and her advice: ask him if his timeline is negotiable. Which I do. And he says YES.
So we continue to go to dinner and movies, hold hands, kiss goodnight, and...oh, wait - we STILL don't do anything more. That's right. Unless you count holding hands at the movies as progression. Which I don't. We make it through Thanksgiving. He and his sister even come to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner.
We go out to dinner one night and I decide that I am going to address the fact that the picture on his 1970s flip phone is of the daughter of his ex-girlfriend. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: So who is the picture of on your phone? (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: Jordan
Me: Who's Jordan? (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: Julie's daughter
Me: Who's Julie (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: My ex
Me: Why do you have a picture of your ex's kid on your phone?
Larry: She took the picture and put it on there and I just never changed it
Me:Hmmm, yes, you've mentioned that you keep in touch with them on a regular basis - how often?
Larry: Weekly
Me: (no words, just a look that I am sure made him say...)
Larry: Or monthly
I want to enjoy my dinner so I drop it and try to enjoy the rest of the night. When we get back to his place, he kisses me goodnight, gets out of the car and that's that...at 10:00pm...on a Friday night.
And then I decide I just can't keep working at this. There's no payoff! Where's the passion? Where's ANYTHING? I break up with him that Tuesday night when we were planning on going to the movies:
Me: Larry, I don't think this is going to work out
Larry: OK
Me: You're very nice and we have a good time, but it's just not going to work long term.
Larry: OK. So no movie tonight then?
And he leaves. He sends me a FB message the next day, which doesn't make too much sense to me. I ask friends for help with the translation. Here is what TK was able to provide:
It began innocently enough. Girl walks dog - boy pets dog - girl leaves note on boy's car - boy calls - boy disappears for 7 months.
But let's not jump so far ahead. True, I did meet Chris (hereafter referred to as Larry, and yes there's a reason and no, I can't tell you) while walking Evie. And I may have slightly stalked him to get the chance to meet him and say hello and find out his name. But short of actually stalking him, by waiting outside his work for him to leave at night, I decided to pull a Marchese and leave him a note on his car with my phone number and an invite to call if he was interested in going out for a drink sometime. And he called, so we went on date #1.
It went really well. He picked me up; we had dinner; we drank beer; we had decent conversation. All in all good as far as any dates I had previously gone on with anyone. We began an odd schedule of going out once every six to eight weeks, which seemed a bit extreme, even in light of the fact that he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. Dinner, movies, hikes WITH MY DOG when he brought a bowl for her to have water - all seemed to be going OK other than the extended time between dates. We would still see each other occasionally in the neighborhood, and he always acted normal, as in that it wasn't odd that we hadn't gone out in a month.
November rolls around and we go to the movies and a late dinner on a Saturday night. He drops me off, and as is my nature, I ask if we will be going out any time soon, like before the end of the year. He laughs along and agrees that it won't be before Thanksgiving (that would be less than 2 weeks!), but that yes, before the end of the year.
And then I didn't hear from him again for 7 months. Oddly, as you will learn, one of the reasons that Darrele and I tossed around as a remote possibility for not hearing from him was that we hadn't hooked up at all. But since we had only seen each other 4 or 5 times within 6 months, we agreed that would be ridiculous. How right we were. And that ends Dating Larry - Phase 1.
So now it's May, almost one year after our first date. Larry posts on his FB that he has won tickets to the NASCAR race at Talladega and who wants to go. So of course I write me! At this time, I was in the first week of AICS hell in Orlando. After a few Bud Lights, it seemed like a good idea to text him that I wasn't kidding - I really wanted to go. He called me; we chatted; he said we should get together when I am back in town.
I return to NJ over Memorial Day weekend, and I text him that I am back and to let me know when he's available to do something. He calls me right away and invites me to his friend's party in Wyckoff; he even tells me I can BRING MY DOG if i want as the backyard is fenced in for the pool, etc. It's a billion degrees though so I leave Evie home and head off to the party with people I have never met and the guy I hadn't heard from in 7 months. That's normal, right?
This begins Dating Larry - Phase 2. We go out to dinner and movies, talk and text while I'm traveling, although it's not without some bumps. For example, I won't hear from him for days at a time. He doesn't always text or call me back for days. We are a few months into the relationship when he asks me, "How do you feel about premarital sex?" At this point, we have held hands and kissed. I had chalked this up to the fact that I was traveling a lot so even though it had been a few months, I had been gone for a good chunk of time. So when he asked me this, I had to think about what in the world was he really asking...because he didn't really think I had only had sex with my husband, right? My answer: Well, I guess since I have had it, I'd have to say I'm for it.
Turns out, Larry would like to get to know me more - what's in my heart and my head (with hand gestures, in case I was a visual learner, I suppose) - before we get too involved physically. He doesn't want to just jump into bed like people do. Um, OK. We continue dating, and I see the trip to Alabama looming in the future, but first we go to the Toby Keith concert. For non-country music fans, Toby Keith sings the song Red Solo Cup, which like most country songs, is about drinking, specifically from the red solo cups that are used at all parties. We're talking, waiting for the venue to open, and I mention something along the lines of looking forward to an ice cold beer. Larry informs me he will not be drinking...at a country concert...of the guy who sings red solo cup.
Now, up until this time, I have noticed that Larry doesn't drink a lot, and hey, that's OK (?), but he's never said he wasn't drinking at all. So this strikes me as odd. I ask why. And he says, "I do that." Meaning? "Well, that I'll not do things I like to do - I think it builds character." My response is somewhere along the lines of: why in the world would you not do something you want to do, assuming it's not dangerous to you or others around you? I don't do that. If I want to do something, I do it. He proceeds to not drink; I proceed to drink 2 Bud Lights in quick succession and then trip going UP stairs. Great - now he's going to think I'm drunk. If you know me, you know that this is laughable after 2 Bud Lights (especially during training season).
Two weeks later, we are on our way to Alabama, but not before he has quit his job without having another one lined up. This doesn't really concern me since I am not responsible for him in any way. If he can not work and stay in his moldy apartment that he has been in for over 20 years, suit yourself. We still have done nothing more than kiss, and I have not brought it up, thinking that we will be away on a trip together, in a hotel room, and that will be the time! Darr agrees - it would be weird now, so the change in venue will be the ticket! Alabama - who knew it was for lovers?
Apparently no one, since we slept in separate beds and didn't hook up...at all. Larry also decided that even though we were at Talladega, in Alabama, with free food and drinks, he was going to drink water and eat apples. I, on the other hand, did my best impression of a redneck from Bergen County and drank as much Bud Light as I could without falling, up or down stairs. At one point, I considered ditching Larry and hanging out with this bunch of four guys because they were clearly having fun. Alas, I did not - not even when, after I grabbed an extra Bud Light for the bus ride back to the hotel, Larry asked me, "Are you sure you want that?" Or when we woke up on Monday and Larry was convinced that he was sick from the peanut M&Ms and proceeded to throw out the whole bag. Odd, Larry - I'm the one who was drinking and feel fine!!
When we got back to NJ, I decided it was time to have a talk with Larry and ask him WTF was the deal. We had been dating for about four months and there was still no sign of moving past holding hands. I also didn't want to go out with someone who was going to monitor my beer intake at a NASCAR race - if you can't drink there, where can you? It was then that I learned that Larry had no intention of having an intimate relationship with me, which included spending the night at my place or me at his, until we were married. I'll give you a moment to re-read that last sentence...............OK, and we're back.
I tell Larry I respect his position (in my mind, I was screaming - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME DUDE?), but that this is not how adult relationships progress and maybe I am not the right person for him. But, I do agree to consider what he has said and will let him know when we need to talk again. We continue on as we were, and I poll everyone and their sister about what to do about this, this being the most chaste relationship I have had since 6th grade (Note: my mom says it was probably earlier than that, but I'm sticking with the 6th grade story). Oddly enough, one of my friends had a similar issue with the guy who is now her husband, and her advice: ask him if his timeline is negotiable. Which I do. And he says YES.
So we continue to go to dinner and movies, hold hands, kiss goodnight, and...oh, wait - we STILL don't do anything more. That's right. Unless you count holding hands at the movies as progression. Which I don't. We make it through Thanksgiving. He and his sister even come to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner.
We go out to dinner one night and I decide that I am going to address the fact that the picture on his 1970s flip phone is of the daughter of his ex-girlfriend. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: So who is the picture of on your phone? (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: Jordan
Me: Who's Jordan? (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: Julie's daughter
Me: Who's Julie (knowing full well who it is...)
Larry: My ex
Me: Why do you have a picture of your ex's kid on your phone?
Larry: She took the picture and put it on there and I just never changed it
Me:Hmmm, yes, you've mentioned that you keep in touch with them on a regular basis - how often?
Larry: Weekly
Me: (no words, just a look that I am sure made him say...)
Larry: Or monthly
I want to enjoy my dinner so I drop it and try to enjoy the rest of the night. When we get back to his place, he kisses me goodnight, gets out of the car and that's that...at 10:00pm...on a Friday night.
And then I decide I just can't keep working at this. There's no payoff! Where's the passion? Where's ANYTHING? I break up with him that Tuesday night when we were planning on going to the movies:
Me: Larry, I don't think this is going to work out
Larry: OK
Me: You're very nice and we have a good time, but it's just not going to work long term.
Larry: OK. So no movie tonight then?
And he leaves. He sends me a FB message the next day, which doesn't make too much sense to me. I ask friends for help with the translation. Here is what TK was able to provide:
There is no "landscaper" translation that I could find. The closest is Chinese, traditional Taiwanese. Hope this helps. 早晨好。 我要求您仍然來到晚餐下星期二也許是錯誤的。 您從出席被放棄。 希望通 常收到你的來信。 我意志facebook和文本您，也是。
But, have we heard the last from Larry?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wasted Reprise, Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam (9)
Online dating, version 2.1
My next foray into online dating came at the beginning of 2012 - new year, new you, new stories. This time Carly helped me set up my profile, and I thought it came out pretty good. I mean, I would want to date me if I were a guy...I like sports, beer and fast cars. What else could you want? Unlike others who spend a bit of time getting to know the person through email first, I wanted to just meet the person and see right away if we liked each other. That's the point of being on these sites, right? Besides, it's harder for someone to hide the crazy in person. I met a few interesting characters; I'll tell you about the Gunman and Adrian.
I met the Gunman on OKCupid. He appeared to be a normal-ish person. Except for the fact that there were guns in almost every picture he had on his profile. I hadn't noticed really; isn't that a manly thing? TK didn't think so and wanted to know when I got home to make sure he didn't kill me. Because Brady's in Ramsey is known for letting men bring in their shotguns...
So I meet him at Brady's on a Tuesday night. And of course I know within 2 minutes that this is not going to be the love of my life. But I'm here, he's buying me Bud Light and so I stay. The conversation comes around to marital status, and he says something along the lines of "well, you've never been married, right?" I correct him, yes, I was, but I have been divorced for a number of years. He says, "I don't remember that being on your profile." Um, yes, it was. And by the way Gunman, how long have you been divorced?
Gunman: You want the truth?
Me: Yes (?)
Gunman: Since Thursday.
I ask him where in Ramsey he lives. He had mentioned it was close to Brady's when he texted me to ask if it was OK to meet at Brady's instead of the Mahwah Bar & Grill. Yes, he lives walking distance from Brady's...
Gunman: Yeah, I was glad you said you were OK with coming here instead. I didn't want to have a few beers and then have to drive through Mahwah - the cops in Mahwah are crazy.
Me: <Speechless>
Let me get this straight. You wouldn't come to Mahwah for fear of being pulled over after having a few drinks, but you were OK with ME driving to Ramsey with the possibility of ME being pulled over after a few beers. What a gentleman! For the remainder of the time (I know - you can't even believe I'm still sitting there with him), I just entertained myself. An example of one of the last things we discussed:
Me: So what do you do you do when you aren't watching the Devils or shooting things?
Gunman: I don't shoot things - I go hunting and target shooting.
Me: Right - shooting things...
Then I met Adrian. Adrian was a 38 year old widow from Ho Ho Kus. We knew some of the same people, he liked Pearl Jam (but preferred Nirvana) and was a really sweet guy. We went out a few times, and after the third date, he came back to my house. To play me Pearl Jam songs on his guitar that he had learned so he could play them for me. Like I said - sweet. That same night, he told me how nice it was to meet me, that I wasn't like the other crazy girls he had met so far, he really enjoyed spending time with me. He left and we said we would see each other again soon.
A few days later, Eddie Vedder announced a mini-tour which included shows in Florida but not NJ. Since Adrian and I had discussed my "love" of Florida among other topics, I texted him about the tour and how it would make being in Florida better (since I would be there for work at the time). He texted me back - yes, maybe I needed a friend to go along.
And then I never heard from him again.
My next foray into online dating came at the beginning of 2012 - new year, new you, new stories. This time Carly helped me set up my profile, and I thought it came out pretty good. I mean, I would want to date me if I were a guy...I like sports, beer and fast cars. What else could you want? Unlike others who spend a bit of time getting to know the person through email first, I wanted to just meet the person and see right away if we liked each other. That's the point of being on these sites, right? Besides, it's harder for someone to hide the crazy in person. I met a few interesting characters; I'll tell you about the Gunman and Adrian.
I met the Gunman on OKCupid. He appeared to be a normal-ish person. Except for the fact that there were guns in almost every picture he had on his profile. I hadn't noticed really; isn't that a manly thing? TK didn't think so and wanted to know when I got home to make sure he didn't kill me. Because Brady's in Ramsey is known for letting men bring in their shotguns...
So I meet him at Brady's on a Tuesday night. And of course I know within 2 minutes that this is not going to be the love of my life. But I'm here, he's buying me Bud Light and so I stay. The conversation comes around to marital status, and he says something along the lines of "well, you've never been married, right?" I correct him, yes, I was, but I have been divorced for a number of years. He says, "I don't remember that being on your profile." Um, yes, it was. And by the way Gunman, how long have you been divorced?
Gunman: You want the truth?
Me: Yes (?)
Gunman: Since Thursday.
I ask him where in Ramsey he lives. He had mentioned it was close to Brady's when he texted me to ask if it was OK to meet at Brady's instead of the Mahwah Bar & Grill. Yes, he lives walking distance from Brady's...
Gunman: Yeah, I was glad you said you were OK with coming here instead. I didn't want to have a few beers and then have to drive through Mahwah - the cops in Mahwah are crazy.
Me: <Speechless>
Let me get this straight. You wouldn't come to Mahwah for fear of being pulled over after having a few drinks, but you were OK with ME driving to Ramsey with the possibility of ME being pulled over after a few beers. What a gentleman! For the remainder of the time (I know - you can't even believe I'm still sitting there with him), I just entertained myself. An example of one of the last things we discussed:
Me: So what do you do you do when you aren't watching the Devils or shooting things?
Gunman: I don't shoot things - I go hunting and target shooting.
Me: Right - shooting things...
Then I met Adrian. Adrian was a 38 year old widow from Ho Ho Kus. We knew some of the same people, he liked Pearl Jam (but preferred Nirvana) and was a really sweet guy. We went out a few times, and after the third date, he came back to my house. To play me Pearl Jam songs on his guitar that he had learned so he could play them for me. Like I said - sweet. That same night, he told me how nice it was to meet me, that I wasn't like the other crazy girls he had met so far, he really enjoyed spending time with me. He left and we said we would see each other again soon.
A few days later, Eddie Vedder announced a mini-tour which included shows in Florida but not NJ. Since Adrian and I had discussed my "love" of Florida among other topics, I texted him about the tour and how it would make being in Florida better (since I would be there for work at the time). He texted me back - yes, maybe I needed a friend to go along.
And then I never heard from him again.
Bugs, Pearl Jam, Vs. (8)
Online Dating, version 2.0
And my favorite tag line: Life is a zoo, in a jungle, so do you want to get into my cage?
What’s in a Name? An adventure in screen names…
Silvertongueman
Daffydaffyduck
Bigdawgee
Mikeymouse64
Whenuwish2
Therugman
Turbotony
Scrumptiousman
Jimmyknowsaguy
Straycat2861
Goes_to_eleven
Turboboost74
UrBlackWarrior
Melodic_espresso
Sanekindnormal
Nurserycryme
69whatyouneeeed
Darth_hippie
Multicolorbeast
MrPickles4U
AllThatAndChips
Jizzer4you
Spongeworthy01
EnoughBS
And my favorite tag line: Life is a zoo, in a jungle, so do you want to get into my cage?
Better Man, Pearl Jam, Vitalogy (7)
Kowal, The Return!
A little history. Mark and I were engaged to be married way back when. We had known each other in high school, but had never dated. When I returned from college, I was staying at my grandmother's in NJ so that I wouldn't have to live in Middletown, NY. It was a challenge living with my grandmother to say the least and Mark was one of my few friends who had his own place. We started spending a lot of time together and one thing lead to another - fast forward four years and it's my 25th birthday and we get engaged. With 6 weeks to go, I called off the wedding, moved back home. Mark ended up marrying a girl who not only was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids had we gotten married, but also was his best friend's ex-girlfriend.
(Full disclosure: she died a year after they had a daughter, Mary Grace, as a result of having a child when she was not in good enough health to do so - she had cystic fibrosis.)
So now here we are in the summer of 2009, and Facebook is starting to bring out all of the people from your past that you haven't kept in touch with, and I get a friend request from Mark. And that's how 14 years after our engagement ended Mark and I ended up having a drink on a weeknight in June. We continued to stay in touch. In August, we even met in Tampa for a night and went to a Rays game. And while I shouldn't complain too much (we did at least sleep in the same bed), we did not hook up and he went back to Boca and I went back to Orlando (for work, of course).
About 2 months later, he invited me down to visit him. He sweetened the deal by getting tickets to the Colts at Dolphins game and so I found myself flying down to Florida, voluntarily, to visit Mark, meet his daughter, and see Peyton kick some Dolphin ass. Once again, we did not hook up, and by day three I was wondering WTF I was doing in Florida. So I asked. Perhaps I should have asked earlier in the day, when Mark hadn't had quite as many Bud Lights as he had, but I've never really been a patient person, nor am I someone who can hide their emotions. He knew I was annoyed, he asked, and so I asked back.
Suffice it to say, he wanted us to be friends like we had said we would always be - back in 1987. I said we could be friends with me in NJ - I didn't have to come to Florida for that. The weekend ended, we stayed in touch, and because I am a glutton for punishment, I invited him to be my date to my sister's wedding in June 2010.
I am not one to boast about myself, but I LOOKED FUCKING HOT at the wedding. Hair, makeup, dress, everything. Do you think Mark danced with me? No. Do you think we hooked up even though he stayed over at my house that night? NO. NO. NO.
I made a decision that next morning. There was no future for me and Mark, other than the friends he said we promised to be back in the 80s. And like Carrie on SITC, I had to wonder: does no one have random sex anymore?
A little history. Mark and I were engaged to be married way back when. We had known each other in high school, but had never dated. When I returned from college, I was staying at my grandmother's in NJ so that I wouldn't have to live in Middletown, NY. It was a challenge living with my grandmother to say the least and Mark was one of my few friends who had his own place. We started spending a lot of time together and one thing lead to another - fast forward four years and it's my 25th birthday and we get engaged. With 6 weeks to go, I called off the wedding, moved back home. Mark ended up marrying a girl who not only was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids had we gotten married, but also was his best friend's ex-girlfriend.
(Full disclosure: she died a year after they had a daughter, Mary Grace, as a result of having a child when she was not in good enough health to do so - she had cystic fibrosis.)
So now here we are in the summer of 2009, and Facebook is starting to bring out all of the people from your past that you haven't kept in touch with, and I get a friend request from Mark. And that's how 14 years after our engagement ended Mark and I ended up having a drink on a weeknight in June. We continued to stay in touch. In August, we even met in Tampa for a night and went to a Rays game. And while I shouldn't complain too much (we did at least sleep in the same bed), we did not hook up and he went back to Boca and I went back to Orlando (for work, of course).
About 2 months later, he invited me down to visit him. He sweetened the deal by getting tickets to the Colts at Dolphins game and so I found myself flying down to Florida, voluntarily, to visit Mark, meet his daughter, and see Peyton kick some Dolphin ass. Once again, we did not hook up, and by day three I was wondering WTF I was doing in Florida. So I asked. Perhaps I should have asked earlier in the day, when Mark hadn't had quite as many Bud Lights as he had, but I've never really been a patient person, nor am I someone who can hide their emotions. He knew I was annoyed, he asked, and so I asked back.
Suffice it to say, he wanted us to be friends like we had said we would always be - back in 1987. I said we could be friends with me in NJ - I didn't have to come to Florida for that. The weekend ended, we stayed in touch, and because I am a glutton for punishment, I invited him to be my date to my sister's wedding in June 2010.
I am not one to boast about myself, but I LOOKED FUCKING HOT at the wedding. Hair, makeup, dress, everything. Do you think Mark danced with me? No. Do you think we hooked up even though he stayed over at my house that night? NO. NO. NO.
I made a decision that next morning. There was no future for me and Mark, other than the friends he said we promised to be back in the 80s. And like Carrie on SITC, I had to wonder: does no one have random sex anymore?
Life Wasted, Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam (6)
eHarmony/Match/Chemistry/OKCupid/PlentyofFish/Seriously????
So for years, literally in some cases, my so called friends
were telling me to get into (onto?) the online dating scene. I mean, why not? Look at all the happy couples who met on
these sites! And I mean look at them on
TV because I haven’t met many, or any.
But I figured it’s 2009, the internet is the thing these days, and as my
sister would say, how’s the way you’re doing it now working for ya?
The first big decision was to choose which site to go on
since each apparently has its own personality.
eHarmony is the serious site – where you go to find “the one,” or at
least “the one for right now.” Match is
the hook-up site; Chemistry somewhere in-between the two. OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish are for the
people who don’t want to pay anything to find love, and/or want to find someone
a little (read: a lot) out of the ordinary.
I choose to start on Chemistry – not too serious, but not just for
flings. Now to come up with my profile.
I enlisted my friend Renee to help me set up my profile,
because you really can’t write about yourself.
If it were up to me, I probably would have written something that would
scare away even the most courageous of suitors.
And since Renee was one of the people who thought this would be a good
experience, I made her work for it. So
we met for coffee with my laptop at the Barnes & Noble and started to describe
me and the qualities that I was looking for in a date – neither of which is an
easy task. Close to 2 hours later, we
were done and ready to send this out into the Chemistry world to find my guy!
Well, yeah, that didn’t work out exactly as I had planned. Most of the men the site was suggesting for
me were older (like, OLDER older) or geographically undesirable, and I wasn’t
able to look through the profiles. But I
didn’t give up hope! Instead I signed up
for the other two sites! That’s right. For three months I was on all of the “Big 3, “
really getting myself out there…
So here’s what happened with eHarmony - you know, the one where it's about your soul mate, not looks. I started corresponding with a guy from the Butler area. If you have been lucky enough to not have to do this, then I'll tell you...this is an exhausting process. First you get basic information about the person and if you decide you want to find out more, you ask a series of questions, send them to the person, they answer and can request others, etc. After a few rounds of this, you can graduate to emailing within eHarmony - so still no direct contact. Assuming you still like each other after that, you can then decide to exchange real emails and I guess get married and live happily ever after.
Well, this guy and I, let's call him Toby (only because Toby Keith is on the radio as I'm typing...and I can't remember his real name), made it through to the real email stage. And he sends me an email, "we made it to this stage, blah blah blah...how tall are you, what color hair do you have, how much do you weigh?"
Wait, what? I thought this was the site where it's all about who you are inside? Where it's not about looks! Or what color your hair is! And besides - I had pictures posted on the site! What in the world?
But I figure that eHarmony knows what I don't - remember all the happy couples from TV! So I respond to his email, and answer all of his questions except my weight. And he writes back...and says:
I notice you didn't answer how much you weigh.
Next...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)