Alive, Pearl Jam, Ten (5)

The Infamous Bowling Boy

Like all mothers, I’m assuming, my mom wanted to make sure I was happy.  And of course, in her mind, I couldn’t be happy without a man in my life.  I had told her very little about most of the guys I had dated because as soon as she and Mothra had a name to latch onto, they were ordering wedding announcements before I was even out of the room.  Often, though, there wasn’t much to tell so it didn’t matter anyway.  Sensing that this was the case, my mom decided to try her hand at matchmaking, and although I’m sure you already know how that story goes, I’ll tell it just because it is so ridiculous you won’t even believe it.

My mom catches me on a weak day when she says one of customers has a son who is also single and that they had been joking about setting us up because they know how much we "kids" would love that.  This is my mom being subtle.  She mentions it again a few minutes later so I just tell her to go ahead with it.  Everything that follows is clearly my fault, but I’m not going down alone…

Mom calls me a few days later: are you on Facebook or Myspace? 

Both. 

Mom: Well, I’ll see if he is on it too and then you can meet that way first. 

OK.

A few days later: he’s not on either of those – can I just give you his email address and you send him an email?  Sure.

So I plagerize an email from Sandy, whose mom has set her up numerous times in this manner, and email…I can’t remember his name!  Well, we’ll call him Tony for now.  My email is succinct and poses the possibility of us getting together.  He writes back with his itinerary for the next 10 days – bowling, pharmacy seminar, god-son’s birthday, hair washing.  OK.  So I write back again, we solidify a plan of sorts and we wait for the fated day to arrive.

A few days prior to date night, I’m at Burke’s chatting with Sheryl about grown up guys that live at home.  And I realize that I probably should have asked my mom that question.  So I call her the next day, and the conversation goes like this:

Me: Mom, does he live at home with his parents?

Mom: Yes.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me this?
Mom: You didn’t ask.

AS THOUGH THIS WEREN’T CRUCIAL INFORMATION!  However, since she knows these people, I agree to still go on the date.  Which I do.  And as soon as he walks into the restaurant, I know immediately that it is him and the first thought that goes through my mind is – has my mother ever met me?  We introduce ourselves and there is some confusion as to whether we are going to sit at a table or go to the bar (note to self – ALWAYS go to the bar).  We start your basic first date conversation and after about 5 minutes, if it was that long, we have run out of things to talk about.

Desperate for something to talk about, I ask what school he went to since I notice he has one of those large ugly school rings on (I would like some man to please explain why you have to keep wearing that 20, 30 years after you graduated from whatever school it was).  So he points to his right hand, and says that ring is from Rutgers (which he graduated from 20+ years ago), but then, to my astonishment/horror, he points to his left hand and says: this is for my perfect bowling game, when I bowled a 300.  OH MY LORD.  Fortunately, I didn’t have any food or drink in my mouth when he said this.

Here are some conversation highlights from the rest of the awful evening.

So, do you live near your parents?

Well, yes, I live with them.

Looooonnnnnggggg pause while I wait for the explanation. Which never comes.

Do you travel at all? I travel for work a lot, but always the same places.

I've been to Pennsylvania.

<In my brain...that's a commute, not a trip>

Oh.

And I go to AC quite a bit. I was actually there for New Year's...WITH MY PARENTS.

<In my brain...WTF?????????>

Oh.

Well, my mom really enjoys it there. We had gone for her birthday also.

Of course.

After exhausting sports, movies, music, with similarly disturbing answers, I venture back to bowling.

So, do you bowl competitively?

Yes, I am in a few different leagues, some just for fun.

Oh. I ask because I saw bowling on ESPN today while I was at the gym. There's a lot of money to be won, I guess.

Yes, I taped it. I also went to the gym and I didn't want to miss the highlights.

THE HIGHLIGHTS OF BOWLING? Dude, that's what Sportscenter is for...and why there are never bowling highlights on it...BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY.

The evening finally ends, and I walk him to his Monte Carlo, thank him for coming out, and speed off as fast as I can. As I am driving home, my mom calls me to see how it went. I am SO angry that I cannot answer the phone. I text Sandy: No, no and more importantly, no. When I do finally speak to my mom the next day, it goes something like this:

So, Des, how did it go?

Mom, have you ever met me?

What do you mean?

Well, I'm just wondering how you thought he would be the right guy for me.

He's very nice.

Yes, but what were you thinking?

Well, I hope you were pleasant.

Of course I was - I'm a grown up.

Then I hope he didn't like you either.

Yup - thanks mom.